I don’t hate you.

I just hope…

-both sides of your pillow are warm when you get in bed tonight.

-that person you’ve been texting all day every day suddenly stops without warning or explanation.

-your cellphone battery permanently lingers in the red zone.

-she lied to you. It wasn’t razor burn

-he lied to you. The chick on his lockscreen was his fiancé, not his sister.

-your manicurist cuts a little more than cuticle.

-the cab you finally hail down during shift change doesn’t have AC.

-Starbuck’s gives you whole milk instead of skim.

-your DVR accidentally deletes everything, including Game of Thrones and Game 6 of the NBA Finals.

Seriously, I don’t hate you. I just want to Chinese water torture your life.