I was sitting at home last night, two episodes-deep into my House of Cards marathon, and craving something sweet. Sweats were on, bra was off, and, though this typically wouldn’t keep me from venturing outside, I was just too damn comfortable to walk down three flights of stairs and across the street to Duane Reade. I also didn’t feel like spending 30 indecisive minutes trying to meet delivery minimums only to be Seamless-Shamed with multiple sets of utensils.

I tried to ignore the craving, then tried to distract it with a piece of gum, then I caved. I ate two orange tums.

As I was texting a friend to call myself out for this #newlow, I started to wonder about all of the other times that I maybe lowered the bar in a brief moment of vulnerability. A quick mailbox/iMessage/whatsapp/FaceBook search and I now present you with some character building moments in my life…

“First of all, I am currently wearing one of grandma’s cotton bras because the one, singular bra I brought is in the laundry.  This is a new low for me.” 2/25/12

“Sucking cough drops on the treadmill. New low. #FluSeason” 12/3/14

“New low. Just did a combo of miralax and emergen-c in a water.” 1/15/15

“Set a new low for myself…cried watching Master Chef.” 7/17/12

And there was this gem from 9/17/12…

Names have been blocked to protect the innocent.

Names have been blocked to protect the innocent.

And I’ve just now realized that this post has become far too eponymous, so I’m going to stop typing while I still have some sliver of dignity left.


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