I was sitting at home last night, two episodes-deep into my House of Cards marathon, and craving something sweet. Sweats were on, bra was off, and, though this typically wouldn’t keep me from venturing outside, I was just too damn comfortable to walk down three flights of stairs and across the street to Duane Reade. I also didn’t feel like spending 30 indecisive minutes trying to meet delivery minimums only to be Seamless-Shamed with multiple sets of utensils.
I tried to ignore the craving, then tried to distract it with a piece of gum, then I caved. I ate two orange tums.
As I was texting a friend to call myself out for this #newlow, I started to wonder about all of the other times that I maybe lowered the bar in a brief moment of vulnerability. A quick mailbox/iMessage/whatsapp/FaceBook search and I now present you with some character building moments in my life…
“First of all, I am currently wearing one of grandma’s cotton bras because the one, singular bra I brought is in the laundry. This is a new low for me.” 2/25/12
“Sucking cough drops on the treadmill. New low. #FluSeason” 12/3/14
“New low. Just did a combo of miralax and emergen-c in a water.” 1/15/15
“Set a new low for myself…cried watching Master Chef.” 7/17/12
And there was this gem from 9/17/12…
And I’ve just now realized that this post has become far too eponymous, so I’m going to stop typing while I still have some sliver of dignity left.