Over the past decades, I’ve learned a lot about my face. Very little from reflective surfaces, mostly from the way other people react to it.
For example, I’ve learned that I’m an incredibly expressive person. Without uttering a single word, my face tends to communicate full sentences; from what I’ve been told, my face knows quite a few four letter words.
I’ve also learned that I’m not ambi-expressive. Though the left side of my face has been rocking the McKayla Maroney since before she was born, the right side of my face tends to lean more towards a Popeye impression. Not cute.
Most importantly, I’ve learned that I have the kind of face that attracts lost tourists and unavailable men. I’m currently conducting a self-funded, double blind study to figure out exactly what it is about my face that attracts these two unique groups of people and expect a conclusion within a few months; in the meantime, keep walking this way and it’ll be two blocks down on your left.