Umbrella etiquette

The streets of New York are a labyrinth of tourists and walk signals that aren’t for the faint of heart or those who care to stop and smell the roses. The streets of New York in the rain are a thin slice of hell.

A few friendly tips for those braving the city sidewalks in the rain:

1. It’s a golf umbrella. These are city streets, not a golf course. Golf umbrellas are specifically designed to cover you and your golf bag. Unless you’re en route to Chelsea Piers, grab your human-sized umbrella and stop overcompensating.

2. If you find yourself under scaffolding, close or lower your umbrella. The scaffolding is now your umbrella. Your umbrella is now just causing traffic and pissing me off.

3. While standing under an umbrella, the raindrops cascade out and down instead of directly onto you; that’s how umbrellas work. That said, when you’re standing under an umbrella and directly next to another person, the raindrops are now cascading out and onto them. Just because I’m taller than you does not give you the right to sneak your umbrella beneath mine and make a little waterfall in my personal space. Step off, shorty.

4. Puddles happen. It’s raining. If you look down and see a puddle worth stepping around, I probably just did the same. Instead of hip-checking me into said puddle, lets take a trip back to elementary school and remember the basics of A) taking turns and B) single-file lines.

5. That said, if you wake up, check the forecast, and dress appropriately, put those galoshes to work. Hunter boots aren’t a fashion statement, they’re functional attire. While the unprepared fashionistas are Prancercising around the unavoidable reminders of a 100% chance of rain, put those boots to work and blaze a trail of preparedness. A true New Yorker may even put some extra stomp in their step to ensure splashage. Just a guess.

FYI, it’s going to rain tomorrow. Don’t be stupid.

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